Rachel Morris, LPC-S, LCDC
When I work with client’s that describe an “impossible” situation in their relationship, I often wonder why they are staying in that situation. I hear things like
- I love him/her.
- I don’t know where I would go if I leave.
- What about the children and our property.
- If only he/she would change.
- If only he/she would understand me
There are hundreds of other rationalizations that people go through when they are swimming upstream. The fact that nothing appears to work and very little appears to be changing, begs the question, “why am I staying?”
In a difficult relationship it is normal to hold out hope that the situation will improve. One of my first questions is “is your partner willing to work on this too?” If the answer is yes, we begin to practice new ways of communicating and understanding each other. We address the needs of both parties which might be completely different. We discuss the use of negotiations and compromises, in order to continue moving forward. We will also work on resolving past hurts and focusing on the present rather than the past.
If the answer is “no”, we will work on the problem areas or concerns of the person who IS engaging in therapy. I might ask you to share certain things with your partner so that we can work on what they feel is a problem area, too. They don’t have to be present for us to include their opinions, insights or concerns.
Numerous books have been written on unhealthy relationships and many refer to difficult relationships as “walking on eggshells.” I prefer the term “A Thousand Little Paper-cuts.” It is a situation where you begin to feel wounded, usually on a daily basis, but the wound appears so small and insignificant that you continue in this relationship. When we have a thousand of those little wounds, healing becomes more difficult, and long term trauma can set in.
Emotional Abuse
These situations can cause a person to feel trapped, exhausted, worthless and hopeless, and can lead to severe depression and anxiety. It is not uncommon for me to see a client with PTSD that has resulted from verbal and emotional abuse. I once heard a great little idiom “sticks and stones may break my bones, but WORDS will break my heart.” It may be naive to believe that “words” are harmless. Name calling, slanders, criticism, yelling, fault finding, and shaming are examples of how words can be used to hurt you.
Is there a way to resolve this situation? Yes, but both parties will need to agree to changes, this is not One-sided. Both parties do not need to be present in therapy for this to work, but both will need to agree to change their behavior and/or communication. With no improvement or change, it begins to feel exhausting. It feels like you are swimming upstream. Unless you are a Salmon or a Sturgeon, swimming upstream is not sustainable for your mental and physical health. Below is a link to review personality characteristics of a narcissist, this is not meant to diagnose anyone, it is simply for your information.
https://www.lifehack.org/823381/relationship-with-a-narcissist