Rachel Morris, LPC-S, LCDC
When helping couples improve communication skills, one of the 1st steps I ask them to practice is to change the way they respond/react. I call it the “pause.” You have to pause, and manage your anger and defensiveness. If you are trying to engage when you are angry, this will interfere in honest communication and resolution.
The pause allows you time to think about a “response” before reacting. We are often so busy defending ourselves that we don’t “listen” to what is being shared. We defend ourselves because we perceive a threat or a slight, but often our partner is just trying to share and when we are busy defending ourselves, we might miss the message.
- Learn active listening. Active listening is more than hearing the words, it involves the goal of understanding the views and feelings of the person speaking.
- Refrain from interrupting. When you stop interrupting you are able to listen to what your partner is sharing and they will feel heard. Don’t be in a hurry to get your point out there, there will be time when it is your turn to share.
- Disagree politely. If you do not agree with your partner’s points, it is ok to disagree. Disagree respectfully, example: “I don’t want to argue about this and I understand your point of views, but that is not how I see it.”
- Disengage if an agreement cannot be made at this time. I have often said “ok, I see your point, I don’t agree and I don’t think further discussion will change my mind at this time.”
- Keep your tone and voice moderate. If you begin to escalate, your partner may begin to escalate. When this happens, it is usually a “no win” situation. I have sat through many “screaming matches” while doing marriage counseling and I usually have to call a time out and sometimes I have to separate the couple into separate sessions. Little to nothing will be resolved when there is anger, tension and yelling.