Improving communication takes several steps, what I call, “Rules of Engagement.” Improving communication also requires one major rule, called “courtesy.” Most people think they are polite, and they usually are with others. Example: at the store, with business associates, with friends, but not always with their partners. We often forget that we need to be courteous with the person/people we live with everyday. We begin to take certain things for granted and fail to realize that courtesy has been lost somewhere in time.
Courtesy are the small acts of kindness we do to support one another.
Disengaging from conflict
The silent treatment is often a tactic people use to disengage from a conflict. People have often asked me if this is ok?? No, it is not ok. The silent treatment is disrespectful and does not resolve the problem. If you want to end a conversation on a particular subject because of heated emotions, then this should be communicated to your partner. Example:
1) “I’m becoming angry and I need to stop talking about this right now.” 2) “If you want to discuss something else that is fine, but right now, I can no longer discuss THAT topic.” 3) I can’t talk about this right now, but I will when I am calm.”
Disengaging is usually the best course of action when the conversation is heated, but your “intent” should be obvious. If the Intent is to decrease anger and conflict, and to manage emotions, this needs to be communicated to your partner.
If you don’t like the idea of disengaging from the conversation, than consider it as disengaging from conflict. Once your tone begins to escalate and hurtful things are said, it will be more difficult to find a resolution. Hurtful words do not just vanish, they stay in our memories. Disengaging also builds clear boundaries in the relationship and in the long run it can lead to improved communication.
Remember that usually when we have an argument, our goal is to win, their goal is to win, and during a conflict there are no winners.
Take a Pause to improve communication
If you cannot express your feelings in the moment without anger, it is best to “pause.” Resume the conversation when emotions have calmed. Hurtful words and accusations are often said when emotions are elevated. In order to de-escalate, step away from the problem, look at it from a different angle and be openminded. Remember that your partner has their own view on the subject. This step can lead to gaining a different perspective and reducing conflict.
I have been told, “if we end the communication at that time, he/she does not want to address it again later and it never gets resolved.” I recommend adding timeframes for re-addressing the subject. Example: 1) Lets talk about this tonight. 2) Let’s re-address this in the morning. 3) Let’s talk about this when we are not so angry. It is important to communicate this with your partner, letting them know the conversation is not over, it is on pause until you can address it more calmly.
These are a few of the rules I like to apply for more effective communication, but remember that it requires agreement from both parties. Improving communication will take practice and consistency. It may not resolve all of the problems, but I often hear feedback like “we don’t argue as much” or “we understand each other better now.” Effective communication is key to repairing other areas of your relationships that need attention.
Look for my blog on “scripts” as scripts are an important component of more effective communication.